Not Quite the Answers You Were Looking For

My room is dark. This is just the way things are for me. I value my time in the sunlight just as much as the next person. When it comes to darkness I believe I might value that more than most. I'm writing down some thoughts for the first time in a good long while. It's dark again in my room. The hour is late. I can't remember the last time I went to sleep before the 1 am hour. My heart is heavy tonight. When isn't my heart heavy. That seems to be the everyday question flowing through my veins. Heavy thoughts flood my mind each day. I have learned to push them aside. I have learned to survive each day with more than I'd like to bare. As humans haven't we learned to deal with the hand we've been dealt. I guess it depends on which side of the card table you're sitting. Some of us born with a winning hand, some of us born with a pair of five's, and some of us humans dealt a folding hand. Most days I realize I have been dealt a pair of five's. In the big picture of this big card game. I'd say a pair of five's isn't so bad. To be honest it isn't the hand I have trouble wrapping my head around. It's the issue of wandering around the big table while watching how the people born with a royal flush treat the people born with a folding hand. At some point in my life I was oblivious to such treatment. I just went a long with it because I thought that's just how the world works. I didn't know much about change. I didn't know people were capable of changing. I didn't know I was capable of changing. Over time I've some how landed right in the middle of these two very different classes. A class that has all the answers, all the power, and all the glory. Right next to the class that is struggling to survive, be heard, and live like a normal human being. I never wanted to choose sides while living on this earth. I'd love to be on everyone's side. Sounds great doesn't it. Every one caring about their brother, sister. Lately though I'm not sure how to bend with one of the sides. I just can't go back to the places I've been. I find myself being so bitter because of the things I've heard and seen from my fellow brothers on this earth. I used to be such a social person. I used to love to get to know people, or so I thought I did. I usually got to know people based on very surface criteria. Stacking up friends in each corner of my house. I thought I was something special, someone special. People knew my name. People liked me. People thought I was a good person. Funny how the thought of who I used to be, well, it just makes me laugh and cringe. I knew nothing. I thought I knew everything. I thought I knew how to love people. How to be a good person. How to Love a woman. How to love my family. How to survive. Now I read letters I wrote from my past, and I see photos from my past and mostly I just want to see them burn. I'd like to think looking back on the past could be a learning experience. That is true in some regards. Mostly I just want it all to burn. Deep down I'm so ashamed of the company I used to keep and demons I left chained up in my closet.

Ever since I was a young child I've been asking questions that no one could answer for me. Oh they would try to answer them. My questions were suppressed by the hand I was dealt. Meaning, I had little chance to get an honest logical human answer to any of my darkest questions. Well the questions never stop leaving my mind, one day they just started flowing out of my mouth. What some people might have seen as a stream soon turned into a waterfall plunging from the highest mountain. With the fear long gone from my bones. I now find myself on the other side of the fence. The side I never new existed. Leaving the stacks of friends left out in a cold fog unable to see where I've strayed. Wondering how I could climb over the forbidden fence and leave the garden of comfort. When some thing like this happens, let's call it change. I've learned that explaining my reasoning or feelings for leaving people behind. Well, that's a difficult thing to do. All I can say is that I now know some things that I didn't know yesterday or the day before. I've been miles behind the curb. I feel I've blown so many chances to live a life. A real life. One that exists on my own terms. I've made decisions that aren't the best for a human living in this society in this point of human history. I know this and I own this, meaning, I know I've wronged others and myself many times. I'm just at a point where I realize these things and it is what it is. Moving forward is the only option at this point. Isn't it. Aren't we always just moving forward, maybe not in the eyes of others, but fuck em. I mean really, who are others to say how some one chooses to live their life. Here we are on this dot in a vast universe, inside of other universes inside of others. Death the only truth we fully know to be true. Who is to tell us all how to live. One hundred years from now these words I'm writing might not even exist, they may never be read and they most certainly may never be understood by anyone. Some people might say, in fact they will say. Well sir, that is no way to live. You shouldn't live that way. It's unhealthy. Well, that's your opinion and yes you have one don't you. I myself have no plans on telling people how they should be living. I don't have any answers for humans. I'm still trying to figure out how to get enough sleep at night, figure out how to eat my next meal, and understand how this whole thing works as it spins on it's axis. I don't spend time with very many people anymore. Why? Well, because I have a handful of people that try to understand me, and that constantly want to explore the under side of the surface edge. The time spent with these folks is quite enough for me. Often we speak about the struggle to understand people in today's society. We labor to gain more knowledge about the world around us. Why things work together and how it effects those of us who are willing to accept the way things are. This life is hard, no doubt. It's also beautiful, and it's also ugly. I have chosen to spend my time with the people that are trying to understand the beauty, the harshness, and the unpredictable nature of living. I have no interest in surrounding myself with people who seem to have all the answers. Who live there lives based on what the status quo tells them. I'd rather drown in a vast ocean than be chained any longer to that never ending wheel of apathy.

Give me the star gazers. Give me the out casts. Give me the free spirits. Give me the so called under achievers. Give me the open minded. Give me the so called liberal. Give me those searching for answers beyond a book. We'll run around with our minds wide open, scraping our knees on all this life around us. Until one day our eyes close and we are buried in the very earth we came from. I'm not the person you thought I was. I'm nothing special. Never was. Just a kid who is still trying to make sense of the hand he's been dealt. Still trying to find sleep before the Sun comes back around to our side of the earth. Still trying to eat enough to wake up and do it all over again. If that disappoints you, then that disappoints you. It doesn't disappoint me. It just makes me another human living in the craziest time humans have ever lived. You haven't figured it all out, neither have I. You won't, and I won't. I hope you make it on your journey, I'm just trying to make it on mine. That's all.