I spend so much of my time trying to find music. Music that will move and shake me. Music that will define moments and era's. I am finding that I prefer to buy and listen to music on vinyl above all else. Over the last 5 years or so I have compiled a huge collection of computer based music. Mainly part to stealing it from friends who are just as obsessed with music. I enjoy finding new bands that push the limits of my senses. Bands and songs that allow you to have space with the music. Allowing you to journey where ever it takes you. Recently I've gone back to some of the music of my youth. The result has been a memorable flight that I thought I'd never take again. A fresh look back on a time that I used to try to forget. A realization of the time and moments that I'll never have back again. Though some of the music of 90s has left my bones. I still hold on to a handful of bands that will always stand the test of time for me. Lately I've been giving them another spin, the result has done my mind much good.
In the 1990's, I was only a kid. Living in a small town that kept a conservative lablel on it's city limit sign. That's actually an understatement. For a teenager trapped in a small town surrounded by people with small ideas. Well, it was easy to feel held back and held down. Back then we had not much else to do but play sports or play music. I won't talk about the days of sports. I will talk about the real thing that got us through. Music. The early part of the decade was giving way to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Guns n Roses, Rage Against the Machine. These bands were becoming the biggest bands in the world. If you were walking around a high school in that time period you were wearing a tee shirt from one of these bands. At that point in my life my dad would only listen to the Beatles or America. Later I would find out he loved Zepplin and many other classic rock bands. At that time though Mtv was taking over our brains and my mom and dad were nervous about what their two sons were listening to. Well have no fear mom and dad. We were listening to everything you didn't want us to listen to. Just as you disobeyed your parents by listening to the rock n roll of the 70s. Here we were 20 years later doing the same thing. At the age of 15 I was already listening to so much music, music I couldn't even understand at the time. I just new it was taking me to a place I'd never been. Far away from the endless church gatherings I was forced to endure. Far away from the ultra competitive sports teams I used to run with. I can remember being on a school bus with my basketball/baseball team. I was 16 and as we traveled to the game I was listening to my walkman. I had it cranked up of course. Guys on the team would make fun of me for blaring music, go figure. They would look through my cd booklet and laugh at the fact that I had 100 cd's. If you were to flip through that book today here is what you'd find. Guns N Roses, Stone Temple Pilots, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Foo Fighters, Metallica, Megadeth, Oasis, Rage Against the Machine, Alice N Chains, Silverchair, Dr. Dre, Tupac, Snoop doggy dog. Remember, I was a son of a preacher man. Living in a small farm town. This music was my ticket out of town. The sounds, the ideas, the anger, the beauty. It was all right there in my headphones. In my mind. Looking out the window driving through all that farm land. Dreaming of traveling the world.
With all of these bands shaping my youth. I can remember a band that came a long and really changed things for me. One night I was in my room with my brother. We shared a room. Band posters on the wall, super nintendo, big bean bags, fish tank, model air planes hanging from the ceiling. Drums and guitars in the corner. We were watching mtv one night, like most nights. 120 minutes was on. I was 16 and he 17. The new Smashing Pumpkins video for their new album was to premiere. This was a big deal. I'll never forget seeing the Bullet with butterfly wings video. Seeing Billy Corgan down in that hole screaming with all those kids around. The kids trying to get out of the hole. I remember thinking, yeah! that's how I feel right now. And so it began. That album came out and everything changed. It became the sound track to our youth. It seemed to span the whole high school experience for me. Every one I knew was playing that album. It had a feeling to it that you couldn't explain. You just knew it meant some thing to you at the time. If you saw a girl wearing a band tee shirt from that era, it took about 2 seconds to develop a crush on her. I remember the pumpkins came to pensacola that year. I wanted to go more than anything but my dad wouldn't let me go. All of my friends went and I always felt like I missed out on a big part of my youth by not going to that show. Funny thing is I used to play my drums to all these albums that my dad disapproved of. I would put headphones on and play along to them in the same room that he would write his sermons in. Only a few years later my dad really started to be cool about all the music my brother and I listened to. He would even jam songs with us on his guitar. That was a beautiful thing to see my dad jamming Oasis songs with us on his Les Paul. My brother was in a band at that point. They had a practice space near the drummers house. It was an old abandoned house. Called the blue house. They would go and practice there for hours. I would go and sit and listen all day. I would request songs and they would play them. It was insane, being 15 and asking your friends to play your favorite alternative jam and then having them play it exactly as it sounded on the cd. Incerdible. Back then they had big dreams, like most bands do. They definitely had the talent. That's not what matters anymore. No one ever really makes it, it's more about the time that we all shared with that music. We were just kids trying to figure out how to survive in a small town in the middle of nowhere. We would watch horror movies and jam music louder than any one on the block. Like it was yesterday I remember being offered a cigarette for the first time. My brothers band was taking a short break at practice. Mellon Collie playing in the back ground. I went behind the house and coughed my way through my first smoke. What a rebellious act that was for me at the time.
Although I played many sports and went to many a church meeting back then. Those were never really my people. I'm realizing more and more now, the moments of my youth that will always stand out. Those were the moments with all the outcasts, musicians, geeks, playing music, listening to music, wearing flannel haha, driving around in a 87 firebird with the windows down and the tunes up. Those guys were some of the best people I could imagine going with on that journey. When I hear a favorite record from the 90s, from my youth. I will always be transported to those times we had, losing our innocence. Shooting water bottles in the woods. Riding around in the back of a truck. Nights at coon hill. Halloween parties. Camping on the creek bank. Putting band stickers on our lockers. Making fake music videos to our favorite songs(they still exist in an old box in an attic). Lying to my folks about where I'd been all night. Those were some of the best times of my life, and some how with that music playing then and it playing now, I feel it all the way to the bone. We made it out of that town. We made it to a better place for our minds. But while we were in it. Oh how we lived. Not to be forgotten, and not to be replaced, our youth will always be alive in those songs and in those moments.
I'll close with some of my favorite lyrics from one of my favorite albums of the 90s.
And for a moment I lose myself wrapped up in the pleasures of the world. I've journeyed here and there and back again.
But in the same old haunts I still find my friends. Mysteries not ready to reveal. Sympathies I'm ready to return. I'll make the effort, love can last forever. Graceful swans have never toppled to the earth. Tomorrow's just an excuse and you can make it last, forever you. You can make it last, forever you.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
The Friendships and The Letting Go
The past few years have seen some great changes in my life. Several changes have happened all across the board. One part of my life that has seen significant change would be my out look on Friendship. I'm quite confident that most people change their minds about friendship as they get older. You kinda have to as you grow older. At what depth does it change for most people though? In the last 2 years or so I've slowly been working my way out of a social train wreck if you will. I used to be the train conductor. Oh how I used to love meeting and keeping friends. I don't believe it was ever a insecurity thing. Not that I don't have insecurities. I just think I used to love making friends because in those early seasons of my life it just made sense. I've always been a people person but even that has evolved over the years. Now I find myself wanting less and less people around. Not that I have anything to hide, maybe it's hitting me now just how much I have to give. I realized after a while that I was wearing myself thin by putting myself out there to so many people and so many friendships. What are friendships really? I'm sure everyone has their own definition of friendship. My definition has certainly changed a lot over the years. There are many obvious traits to being or becoming some ones friend. I'm not concerned with trying to dig down into the depths of what makes a good friend or a bad friend. We all have our own reasons for considering someone a friend or not. Today I'm just trying to figure out how and why friendship has become so complicated. When in reality it shouldn't be so.
Many obstacles have disrupted the idea of friendship. The social network that my generation has grown up with, it has grown to be scary and uncomfortable. I can remember when I made friends before the internet came about. Those friendships were so true and authentic. They were hard to come by and people really had to work hard for all the right reasons to become/stay friends with you. Some one had to call you at home, come visit you, write you a physical letter etc. All things that are foreign in todays society. After the explosion of myspace and then facebook. Everything just became to easy. Easy friendships left and right. Almost over night, staying/getting in touch with someone became as simple as adding them to a big list. After you add up all of the good things that an online social network brings, you can start adding up all of the bad things it brings. Does the good out weigh the bad? Well I guess since so many of us are tied to it, one has to think it's all a good thing. These days I'm starting to disagree with that statement. I watch "friends" compiling hundreds of useless faces to there friend list. People they might have met once. A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend I got drunk with at a bar and talked to later at whataburger at 2am one Saturday night. So then they friend request you and because of the social network etiquette we've become accustomed to. We feel the need to add this person into our circle. So now you have basically opened up your life to a stranger. Meaning, this person you don't really know gets to see the pictures of your past. They get to peek into many facets of your persona. They get to know where you went to eat 5 hours ago because you post it as your status. That doesn't sound much like friendship. It sounds like a creepy movie. Then you try to delete people from the list of "friends" and the next time they run into you. They act like you hate them with all your being. When in fact you never talked to them or never really new them.
Why am I even talking about facebook when regarding thoughts on friendship. Well, sadly this is the world we live in today. A world that is engulfed with the newest fastest technology. I'm starting to learn when you step on the toes of new technology you start to step on the toes and identity of a large group of people. I'm also learning those people aren't my friends and no offense but no I'm not your friend. We are adults right? We can see this as what it is right? Without all the misunderstandings and hurt feelings? I'm deleting you because I don't know who the fuck you are. Yeah yeah, I know what bands you like and what books you read and I know that you went to the bathroom 5 minutes ago. I just don't know who the fuck you are, I never did and I never will. It's that simple. I just have a hard time witnessing people catering to the 958 people on there list. Needing endless validation of there existence. If you wish to stay in touch with those you are close to and use it for it's intended purpose, hey, awesome, good for you. Please just do that. Why feel the need to keep everyone in the tri state area involved in your hair due change, or the fact that you just checked into ______ insert bar/resturant. I feel this social networking thing has taken away from true and meaningful relationships. Instead of us making an effort to give a shit about your birthday or your party or life. We're going to just write something on your wall. So you know that we're thinking about you and haven't forgotten you even though we really did. Instead of talking to you face to face an apologizing for being an idiot. I'm going to message you when I have time next week. I mean it's all to easy. All of these names all in alphabetical order. Starting from your high school friends you tried to forget, all the way to the people you used to have sex with, down to your parents. Take your pick, they're all at your finger tips and it's just too much. Way too much. As I write this I'm definitely taking into account that I'm blogging on the internet, opening myself up to a wide audience if I choose to promote it. I also realize I am guilty of most of the things I'm complaining about. I'm just hoping some of you are seeing what I'm seeing.
Most of you reading this might be agreeing with some of this. Funny thing is you more than likely will think about making some changes to your social networking. In the end, the truth is. It's really hard to change things without letting it go completely. We all joke about getting out of the social network. We tell people we're tired of it, and make fun of it. Then two hours later we're getting our fix. I'm not just speaking about the internet here. How about not being able to have a conversation with people because they are constantly on their phone. I find it painfully hard to believe that not only do we have an obnoxious amount of people on our friend lists. We have even more in our hand held phone thingys. Meaning, at any given point in the day, wether you're on a jetty on the beach or standing atop a huge mountain. You can be distracted by a text message or phone call from 1 of 900 people. All of this noise seems to be taking over our lives. Is this what friendship has become? Stalking people and not feeling bad about it because they choose to put the info out there. Judging people based on very arbitrary criteria. Never really sitting down face to face listening to them be themselves. Instead we cut corners and use some machine. The friendship soap box I'm eating out of today has prone me to change several things in my life. It has helped show me that I don't need all of these people "friends" in my life. I have a handful of friends. That's all I need. Funny how in today's society saying you only need a handful of friends. Well, it actually makes people think you're a dick. Maybe because it challenges them to think about doing the same. Maybe not. It seems fear has a lot to do with it. Letting people go is a difficult thing. Some friends can be a major part of your life for several years, but when the time comes and you need to move on. It's hard for someone to understand you leaving them out. Especially when they've done nothing to wrong you. Rightfully so, they should have a hard time understanding. Again with this new generation of networking, letting some one go can be the hardest thing you've ever done or tried to do. I'm not afraid anymore. I've had seasons where some people were a big part of my life. I've had other seasons where they weren't. So you just move forward. That's life right? I've had many people over the years let me go. It is what it is. Yeah it can be tough, but no hard feelings. Just life. Thankfully I have some friends who are still trying to understand me and get to know me. On a level that stretch's beyond a computer screen and a bar room. I'll leave with this. Their are many people that I've let go of in the near past, their will be more in the near future. It doesn't mean I didn't ever love you or care about you. Let's just be honest. We aren't on the same page anymore and don't have very many important things in common. It's not the end of the world, just the end of a season. Shutting a door on a friendship usually opens a door for another one to start. The key word here is ONE friendship opens. Not 900. Good luck with the 900, we'll be over here with 15. If we're lucky.
Many obstacles have disrupted the idea of friendship. The social network that my generation has grown up with, it has grown to be scary and uncomfortable. I can remember when I made friends before the internet came about. Those friendships were so true and authentic. They were hard to come by and people really had to work hard for all the right reasons to become/stay friends with you. Some one had to call you at home, come visit you, write you a physical letter etc. All things that are foreign in todays society. After the explosion of myspace and then facebook. Everything just became to easy. Easy friendships left and right. Almost over night, staying/getting in touch with someone became as simple as adding them to a big list. After you add up all of the good things that an online social network brings, you can start adding up all of the bad things it brings. Does the good out weigh the bad? Well I guess since so many of us are tied to it, one has to think it's all a good thing. These days I'm starting to disagree with that statement. I watch "friends" compiling hundreds of useless faces to there friend list. People they might have met once. A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend I got drunk with at a bar and talked to later at whataburger at 2am one Saturday night. So then they friend request you and because of the social network etiquette we've become accustomed to. We feel the need to add this person into our circle. So now you have basically opened up your life to a stranger. Meaning, this person you don't really know gets to see the pictures of your past. They get to peek into many facets of your persona. They get to know where you went to eat 5 hours ago because you post it as your status. That doesn't sound much like friendship. It sounds like a creepy movie. Then you try to delete people from the list of "friends" and the next time they run into you. They act like you hate them with all your being. When in fact you never talked to them or never really new them.
Why am I even talking about facebook when regarding thoughts on friendship. Well, sadly this is the world we live in today. A world that is engulfed with the newest fastest technology. I'm starting to learn when you step on the toes of new technology you start to step on the toes and identity of a large group of people. I'm also learning those people aren't my friends and no offense but no I'm not your friend. We are adults right? We can see this as what it is right? Without all the misunderstandings and hurt feelings? I'm deleting you because I don't know who the fuck you are. Yeah yeah, I know what bands you like and what books you read and I know that you went to the bathroom 5 minutes ago. I just don't know who the fuck you are, I never did and I never will. It's that simple. I just have a hard time witnessing people catering to the 958 people on there list. Needing endless validation of there existence. If you wish to stay in touch with those you are close to and use it for it's intended purpose, hey, awesome, good for you. Please just do that. Why feel the need to keep everyone in the tri state area involved in your hair due change, or the fact that you just checked into ______ insert bar/resturant. I feel this social networking thing has taken away from true and meaningful relationships. Instead of us making an effort to give a shit about your birthday or your party or life. We're going to just write something on your wall. So you know that we're thinking about you and haven't forgotten you even though we really did. Instead of talking to you face to face an apologizing for being an idiot. I'm going to message you when I have time next week. I mean it's all to easy. All of these names all in alphabetical order. Starting from your high school friends you tried to forget, all the way to the people you used to have sex with, down to your parents. Take your pick, they're all at your finger tips and it's just too much. Way too much. As I write this I'm definitely taking into account that I'm blogging on the internet, opening myself up to a wide audience if I choose to promote it. I also realize I am guilty of most of the things I'm complaining about. I'm just hoping some of you are seeing what I'm seeing.
Most of you reading this might be agreeing with some of this. Funny thing is you more than likely will think about making some changes to your social networking. In the end, the truth is. It's really hard to change things without letting it go completely. We all joke about getting out of the social network. We tell people we're tired of it, and make fun of it. Then two hours later we're getting our fix. I'm not just speaking about the internet here. How about not being able to have a conversation with people because they are constantly on their phone. I find it painfully hard to believe that not only do we have an obnoxious amount of people on our friend lists. We have even more in our hand held phone thingys. Meaning, at any given point in the day, wether you're on a jetty on the beach or standing atop a huge mountain. You can be distracted by a text message or phone call from 1 of 900 people. All of this noise seems to be taking over our lives. Is this what friendship has become? Stalking people and not feeling bad about it because they choose to put the info out there. Judging people based on very arbitrary criteria. Never really sitting down face to face listening to them be themselves. Instead we cut corners and use some machine. The friendship soap box I'm eating out of today has prone me to change several things in my life. It has helped show me that I don't need all of these people "friends" in my life. I have a handful of friends. That's all I need. Funny how in today's society saying you only need a handful of friends. Well, it actually makes people think you're a dick. Maybe because it challenges them to think about doing the same. Maybe not. It seems fear has a lot to do with it. Letting people go is a difficult thing. Some friends can be a major part of your life for several years, but when the time comes and you need to move on. It's hard for someone to understand you leaving them out. Especially when they've done nothing to wrong you. Rightfully so, they should have a hard time understanding. Again with this new generation of networking, letting some one go can be the hardest thing you've ever done or tried to do. I'm not afraid anymore. I've had seasons where some people were a big part of my life. I've had other seasons where they weren't. So you just move forward. That's life right? I've had many people over the years let me go. It is what it is. Yeah it can be tough, but no hard feelings. Just life. Thankfully I have some friends who are still trying to understand me and get to know me. On a level that stretch's beyond a computer screen and a bar room. I'll leave with this. Their are many people that I've let go of in the near past, their will be more in the near future. It doesn't mean I didn't ever love you or care about you. Let's just be honest. We aren't on the same page anymore and don't have very many important things in common. It's not the end of the world, just the end of a season. Shutting a door on a friendship usually opens a door for another one to start. The key word here is ONE friendship opens. Not 900. Good luck with the 900, we'll be over here with 15. If we're lucky.
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