I spend so much of my time trying to find music. Music that will move and shake me. Music that will define moments and era's. I am finding that I prefer to buy and listen to music on vinyl above all else. Over the last 5 years or so I have compiled a huge collection of computer based music. Mainly part to stealing it from friends who are just as obsessed with music. I enjoy finding new bands that push the limits of my senses. Bands and songs that allow you to have space with the music. Allowing you to journey where ever it takes you. Recently I've gone back to some of the music of my youth. The result has been a memorable flight that I thought I'd never take again. A fresh look back on a time that I used to try to forget. A realization of the time and moments that I'll never have back again. Though some of the music of 90s has left my bones. I still hold on to a handful of bands that will always stand the test of time for me. Lately I've been giving them another spin, the result has done my mind much good.
In the 1990's, I was only a kid. Living in a small town that kept a conservative lablel on it's city limit sign. That's actually an understatement. For a teenager trapped in a small town surrounded by people with small ideas. Well, it was easy to feel held back and held down. Back then we had not much else to do but play sports or play music. I won't talk about the days of sports. I will talk about the real thing that got us through. Music. The early part of the decade was giving way to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Guns n Roses, Rage Against the Machine. These bands were becoming the biggest bands in the world. If you were walking around a high school in that time period you were wearing a tee shirt from one of these bands. At that point in my life my dad would only listen to the Beatles or America. Later I would find out he loved Zepplin and many other classic rock bands. At that time though Mtv was taking over our brains and my mom and dad were nervous about what their two sons were listening to. Well have no fear mom and dad. We were listening to everything you didn't want us to listen to. Just as you disobeyed your parents by listening to the rock n roll of the 70s. Here we were 20 years later doing the same thing. At the age of 15 I was already listening to so much music, music I couldn't even understand at the time. I just new it was taking me to a place I'd never been. Far away from the endless church gatherings I was forced to endure. Far away from the ultra competitive sports teams I used to run with. I can remember being on a school bus with my basketball/baseball team. I was 16 and as we traveled to the game I was listening to my walkman. I had it cranked up of course. Guys on the team would make fun of me for blaring music, go figure. They would look through my cd booklet and laugh at the fact that I had 100 cd's. If you were to flip through that book today here is what you'd find. Guns N Roses, Stone Temple Pilots, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Foo Fighters, Metallica, Megadeth, Oasis, Rage Against the Machine, Alice N Chains, Silverchair, Dr. Dre, Tupac, Snoop doggy dog. Remember, I was a son of a preacher man. Living in a small farm town. This music was my ticket out of town. The sounds, the ideas, the anger, the beauty. It was all right there in my headphones. In my mind. Looking out the window driving through all that farm land. Dreaming of traveling the world.
With all of these bands shaping my youth. I can remember a band that came a long and really changed things for me. One night I was in my room with my brother. We shared a room. Band posters on the wall, super nintendo, big bean bags, fish tank, model air planes hanging from the ceiling. Drums and guitars in the corner. We were watching mtv one night, like most nights. 120 minutes was on. I was 16 and he 17. The new Smashing Pumpkins video for their new album was to premiere. This was a big deal. I'll never forget seeing the Bullet with butterfly wings video. Seeing Billy Corgan down in that hole screaming with all those kids around. The kids trying to get out of the hole. I remember thinking, yeah! that's how I feel right now. And so it began. That album came out and everything changed. It became the sound track to our youth. It seemed to span the whole high school experience for me. Every one I knew was playing that album. It had a feeling to it that you couldn't explain. You just knew it meant some thing to you at the time. If you saw a girl wearing a band tee shirt from that era, it took about 2 seconds to develop a crush on her. I remember the pumpkins came to pensacola that year. I wanted to go more than anything but my dad wouldn't let me go. All of my friends went and I always felt like I missed out on a big part of my youth by not going to that show. Funny thing is I used to play my drums to all these albums that my dad disapproved of. I would put headphones on and play along to them in the same room that he would write his sermons in. Only a few years later my dad really started to be cool about all the music my brother and I listened to. He would even jam songs with us on his guitar. That was a beautiful thing to see my dad jamming Oasis songs with us on his Les Paul. My brother was in a band at that point. They had a practice space near the drummers house. It was an old abandoned house. Called the blue house. They would go and practice there for hours. I would go and sit and listen all day. I would request songs and they would play them. It was insane, being 15 and asking your friends to play your favorite alternative jam and then having them play it exactly as it sounded on the cd. Incerdible. Back then they had big dreams, like most bands do. They definitely had the talent. That's not what matters anymore. No one ever really makes it, it's more about the time that we all shared with that music. We were just kids trying to figure out how to survive in a small town in the middle of nowhere. We would watch horror movies and jam music louder than any one on the block. Like it was yesterday I remember being offered a cigarette for the first time. My brothers band was taking a short break at practice. Mellon Collie playing in the back ground. I went behind the house and coughed my way through my first smoke. What a rebellious act that was for me at the time.
Although I played many sports and went to many a church meeting back then. Those were never really my people. I'm realizing more and more now, the moments of my youth that will always stand out. Those were the moments with all the outcasts, musicians, geeks, playing music, listening to music, wearing flannel haha, driving around in a 87 firebird with the windows down and the tunes up. Those guys were some of the best people I could imagine going with on that journey. When I hear a favorite record from the 90s, from my youth. I will always be transported to those times we had, losing our innocence. Shooting water bottles in the woods. Riding around in the back of a truck. Nights at coon hill. Halloween parties. Camping on the creek bank. Putting band stickers on our lockers. Making fake music videos to our favorite songs(they still exist in an old box in an attic). Lying to my folks about where I'd been all night. Those were some of the best times of my life, and some how with that music playing then and it playing now, I feel it all the way to the bone. We made it out of that town. We made it to a better place for our minds. But while we were in it. Oh how we lived. Not to be forgotten, and not to be replaced, our youth will always be alive in those songs and in those moments.
I'll close with some of my favorite lyrics from one of my favorite albums of the 90s.
And for a moment I lose myself wrapped up in the pleasures of the world. I've journeyed here and there and back again.
But in the same old haunts I still find my friends. Mysteries not ready to reveal. Sympathies I'm ready to return. I'll make the effort, love can last forever. Graceful swans have never toppled to the earth. Tomorrow's just an excuse and you can make it last, forever you. You can make it last, forever you.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
The Friendships and The Letting Go
The past few years have seen some great changes in my life. Several changes have happened all across the board. One part of my life that has seen significant change would be my out look on Friendship. I'm quite confident that most people change their minds about friendship as they get older. You kinda have to as you grow older. At what depth does it change for most people though? In the last 2 years or so I've slowly been working my way out of a social train wreck if you will. I used to be the train conductor. Oh how I used to love meeting and keeping friends. I don't believe it was ever a insecurity thing. Not that I don't have insecurities. I just think I used to love making friends because in those early seasons of my life it just made sense. I've always been a people person but even that has evolved over the years. Now I find myself wanting less and less people around. Not that I have anything to hide, maybe it's hitting me now just how much I have to give. I realized after a while that I was wearing myself thin by putting myself out there to so many people and so many friendships. What are friendships really? I'm sure everyone has their own definition of friendship. My definition has certainly changed a lot over the years. There are many obvious traits to being or becoming some ones friend. I'm not concerned with trying to dig down into the depths of what makes a good friend or a bad friend. We all have our own reasons for considering someone a friend or not. Today I'm just trying to figure out how and why friendship has become so complicated. When in reality it shouldn't be so.
Many obstacles have disrupted the idea of friendship. The social network that my generation has grown up with, it has grown to be scary and uncomfortable. I can remember when I made friends before the internet came about. Those friendships were so true and authentic. They were hard to come by and people really had to work hard for all the right reasons to become/stay friends with you. Some one had to call you at home, come visit you, write you a physical letter etc. All things that are foreign in todays society. After the explosion of myspace and then facebook. Everything just became to easy. Easy friendships left and right. Almost over night, staying/getting in touch with someone became as simple as adding them to a big list. After you add up all of the good things that an online social network brings, you can start adding up all of the bad things it brings. Does the good out weigh the bad? Well I guess since so many of us are tied to it, one has to think it's all a good thing. These days I'm starting to disagree with that statement. I watch "friends" compiling hundreds of useless faces to there friend list. People they might have met once. A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend I got drunk with at a bar and talked to later at whataburger at 2am one Saturday night. So then they friend request you and because of the social network etiquette we've become accustomed to. We feel the need to add this person into our circle. So now you have basically opened up your life to a stranger. Meaning, this person you don't really know gets to see the pictures of your past. They get to peek into many facets of your persona. They get to know where you went to eat 5 hours ago because you post it as your status. That doesn't sound much like friendship. It sounds like a creepy movie. Then you try to delete people from the list of "friends" and the next time they run into you. They act like you hate them with all your being. When in fact you never talked to them or never really new them.
Why am I even talking about facebook when regarding thoughts on friendship. Well, sadly this is the world we live in today. A world that is engulfed with the newest fastest technology. I'm starting to learn when you step on the toes of new technology you start to step on the toes and identity of a large group of people. I'm also learning those people aren't my friends and no offense but no I'm not your friend. We are adults right? We can see this as what it is right? Without all the misunderstandings and hurt feelings? I'm deleting you because I don't know who the fuck you are. Yeah yeah, I know what bands you like and what books you read and I know that you went to the bathroom 5 minutes ago. I just don't know who the fuck you are, I never did and I never will. It's that simple. I just have a hard time witnessing people catering to the 958 people on there list. Needing endless validation of there existence. If you wish to stay in touch with those you are close to and use it for it's intended purpose, hey, awesome, good for you. Please just do that. Why feel the need to keep everyone in the tri state area involved in your hair due change, or the fact that you just checked into ______ insert bar/resturant. I feel this social networking thing has taken away from true and meaningful relationships. Instead of us making an effort to give a shit about your birthday or your party or life. We're going to just write something on your wall. So you know that we're thinking about you and haven't forgotten you even though we really did. Instead of talking to you face to face an apologizing for being an idiot. I'm going to message you when I have time next week. I mean it's all to easy. All of these names all in alphabetical order. Starting from your high school friends you tried to forget, all the way to the people you used to have sex with, down to your parents. Take your pick, they're all at your finger tips and it's just too much. Way too much. As I write this I'm definitely taking into account that I'm blogging on the internet, opening myself up to a wide audience if I choose to promote it. I also realize I am guilty of most of the things I'm complaining about. I'm just hoping some of you are seeing what I'm seeing.
Most of you reading this might be agreeing with some of this. Funny thing is you more than likely will think about making some changes to your social networking. In the end, the truth is. It's really hard to change things without letting it go completely. We all joke about getting out of the social network. We tell people we're tired of it, and make fun of it. Then two hours later we're getting our fix. I'm not just speaking about the internet here. How about not being able to have a conversation with people because they are constantly on their phone. I find it painfully hard to believe that not only do we have an obnoxious amount of people on our friend lists. We have even more in our hand held phone thingys. Meaning, at any given point in the day, wether you're on a jetty on the beach or standing atop a huge mountain. You can be distracted by a text message or phone call from 1 of 900 people. All of this noise seems to be taking over our lives. Is this what friendship has become? Stalking people and not feeling bad about it because they choose to put the info out there. Judging people based on very arbitrary criteria. Never really sitting down face to face listening to them be themselves. Instead we cut corners and use some machine. The friendship soap box I'm eating out of today has prone me to change several things in my life. It has helped show me that I don't need all of these people "friends" in my life. I have a handful of friends. That's all I need. Funny how in today's society saying you only need a handful of friends. Well, it actually makes people think you're a dick. Maybe because it challenges them to think about doing the same. Maybe not. It seems fear has a lot to do with it. Letting people go is a difficult thing. Some friends can be a major part of your life for several years, but when the time comes and you need to move on. It's hard for someone to understand you leaving them out. Especially when they've done nothing to wrong you. Rightfully so, they should have a hard time understanding. Again with this new generation of networking, letting some one go can be the hardest thing you've ever done or tried to do. I'm not afraid anymore. I've had seasons where some people were a big part of my life. I've had other seasons where they weren't. So you just move forward. That's life right? I've had many people over the years let me go. It is what it is. Yeah it can be tough, but no hard feelings. Just life. Thankfully I have some friends who are still trying to understand me and get to know me. On a level that stretch's beyond a computer screen and a bar room. I'll leave with this. Their are many people that I've let go of in the near past, their will be more in the near future. It doesn't mean I didn't ever love you or care about you. Let's just be honest. We aren't on the same page anymore and don't have very many important things in common. It's not the end of the world, just the end of a season. Shutting a door on a friendship usually opens a door for another one to start. The key word here is ONE friendship opens. Not 900. Good luck with the 900, we'll be over here with 15. If we're lucky.
Many obstacles have disrupted the idea of friendship. The social network that my generation has grown up with, it has grown to be scary and uncomfortable. I can remember when I made friends before the internet came about. Those friendships were so true and authentic. They were hard to come by and people really had to work hard for all the right reasons to become/stay friends with you. Some one had to call you at home, come visit you, write you a physical letter etc. All things that are foreign in todays society. After the explosion of myspace and then facebook. Everything just became to easy. Easy friendships left and right. Almost over night, staying/getting in touch with someone became as simple as adding them to a big list. After you add up all of the good things that an online social network brings, you can start adding up all of the bad things it brings. Does the good out weigh the bad? Well I guess since so many of us are tied to it, one has to think it's all a good thing. These days I'm starting to disagree with that statement. I watch "friends" compiling hundreds of useless faces to there friend list. People they might have met once. A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend I got drunk with at a bar and talked to later at whataburger at 2am one Saturday night. So then they friend request you and because of the social network etiquette we've become accustomed to. We feel the need to add this person into our circle. So now you have basically opened up your life to a stranger. Meaning, this person you don't really know gets to see the pictures of your past. They get to peek into many facets of your persona. They get to know where you went to eat 5 hours ago because you post it as your status. That doesn't sound much like friendship. It sounds like a creepy movie. Then you try to delete people from the list of "friends" and the next time they run into you. They act like you hate them with all your being. When in fact you never talked to them or never really new them.
Why am I even talking about facebook when regarding thoughts on friendship. Well, sadly this is the world we live in today. A world that is engulfed with the newest fastest technology. I'm starting to learn when you step on the toes of new technology you start to step on the toes and identity of a large group of people. I'm also learning those people aren't my friends and no offense but no I'm not your friend. We are adults right? We can see this as what it is right? Without all the misunderstandings and hurt feelings? I'm deleting you because I don't know who the fuck you are. Yeah yeah, I know what bands you like and what books you read and I know that you went to the bathroom 5 minutes ago. I just don't know who the fuck you are, I never did and I never will. It's that simple. I just have a hard time witnessing people catering to the 958 people on there list. Needing endless validation of there existence. If you wish to stay in touch with those you are close to and use it for it's intended purpose, hey, awesome, good for you. Please just do that. Why feel the need to keep everyone in the tri state area involved in your hair due change, or the fact that you just checked into ______ insert bar/resturant. I feel this social networking thing has taken away from true and meaningful relationships. Instead of us making an effort to give a shit about your birthday or your party or life. We're going to just write something on your wall. So you know that we're thinking about you and haven't forgotten you even though we really did. Instead of talking to you face to face an apologizing for being an idiot. I'm going to message you when I have time next week. I mean it's all to easy. All of these names all in alphabetical order. Starting from your high school friends you tried to forget, all the way to the people you used to have sex with, down to your parents. Take your pick, they're all at your finger tips and it's just too much. Way too much. As I write this I'm definitely taking into account that I'm blogging on the internet, opening myself up to a wide audience if I choose to promote it. I also realize I am guilty of most of the things I'm complaining about. I'm just hoping some of you are seeing what I'm seeing.
Most of you reading this might be agreeing with some of this. Funny thing is you more than likely will think about making some changes to your social networking. In the end, the truth is. It's really hard to change things without letting it go completely. We all joke about getting out of the social network. We tell people we're tired of it, and make fun of it. Then two hours later we're getting our fix. I'm not just speaking about the internet here. How about not being able to have a conversation with people because they are constantly on their phone. I find it painfully hard to believe that not only do we have an obnoxious amount of people on our friend lists. We have even more in our hand held phone thingys. Meaning, at any given point in the day, wether you're on a jetty on the beach or standing atop a huge mountain. You can be distracted by a text message or phone call from 1 of 900 people. All of this noise seems to be taking over our lives. Is this what friendship has become? Stalking people and not feeling bad about it because they choose to put the info out there. Judging people based on very arbitrary criteria. Never really sitting down face to face listening to them be themselves. Instead we cut corners and use some machine. The friendship soap box I'm eating out of today has prone me to change several things in my life. It has helped show me that I don't need all of these people "friends" in my life. I have a handful of friends. That's all I need. Funny how in today's society saying you only need a handful of friends. Well, it actually makes people think you're a dick. Maybe because it challenges them to think about doing the same. Maybe not. It seems fear has a lot to do with it. Letting people go is a difficult thing. Some friends can be a major part of your life for several years, but when the time comes and you need to move on. It's hard for someone to understand you leaving them out. Especially when they've done nothing to wrong you. Rightfully so, they should have a hard time understanding. Again with this new generation of networking, letting some one go can be the hardest thing you've ever done or tried to do. I'm not afraid anymore. I've had seasons where some people were a big part of my life. I've had other seasons where they weren't. So you just move forward. That's life right? I've had many people over the years let me go. It is what it is. Yeah it can be tough, but no hard feelings. Just life. Thankfully I have some friends who are still trying to understand me and get to know me. On a level that stretch's beyond a computer screen and a bar room. I'll leave with this. Their are many people that I've let go of in the near past, their will be more in the near future. It doesn't mean I didn't ever love you or care about you. Let's just be honest. We aren't on the same page anymore and don't have very many important things in common. It's not the end of the world, just the end of a season. Shutting a door on a friendship usually opens a door for another one to start. The key word here is ONE friendship opens. Not 900. Good luck with the 900, we'll be over here with 15. If we're lucky.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Where Is My Mind?
Walking wide awake on a beach. Wandering through the trees of the woods. Far sighted on a mountainside. Lost in a cloudburst. Looking down on a campfire. Driving aimlessly through town. Smoking the last of it. Losing my religion. Tearing down the walls. Drunk with spirit. Eyes on eyes. Falling off the cliff. Reading your mind. Lying through my teeth. Running away from time. Dreaming of impossibilities. Waking up on the moon. Ditching one after another. Crying deep inside the lens. Drowning the traditions. Peering across open fields. Singling out the wicked. Pushing for new ideas. Stumbling through the dark. Puzzling upon new pieces. Cutting down ignorance. Growing higher than the weeds. Pursuing justice. Struggling to manage the earth quaking. Listening to the sound of silence. Breathing in the invisible breeze. Staring at her long flowing hair. Docking the boat before it sails. Brushing off the years of dust. Complaining about your view. Observing the devastation. Trying to make sense of trying. Saving the memory banks that matter. Finding logic in reason. Floating in space. Duplicating what has already been said and done. Drifting in between thoughts and action. Watching the other planets spin around. Arming the defenses. Staking claim to nothing at all. Sharing the oxygen. Breaking down the situation. Over analyzing your movements. Preparing for the worst. Safely cutting ties with safety. Skipping stones on a river. Flooding the blood flow. Sweeping up the wreckage. Believing the facts. Swallowing all the pride. Giving up on truth. Swimming around the demons. Writing off the past. Laughing for laughters sake. Climbing the Eiffel tower. Jumping through endless hoops. Shooting down the righteous. Waking up inside another dream. Spending the night in the sand. Creating the next motion. Memorizing the shade of your skin. Laying down on the tracks. Minding my own business. Tripping on a flower. Hearing the cries of the dead. Leaving this body. Washing away the guilt. Tattooing the meaningful. Shaping up the future. Burning down the bridges. Doctoring up the scar tissue. Moving from shelter to shelter. Thumbing my way across this continent. Coloring the lines that haven't been drawn. Painting a wall for the last time. Connecting the stars. Fueling up for mistakes. Stepping over the horizon. Riding out the storm. Sowing seeds of doubt. Borrowing information. Playing along with the game. Proving nothing at all. Treading on a thin layer of ice. Cycling around a sea of machines. Dancing along to a dead soul singer. Manipulating the point of you. Realizing I was wrong. Rushing around the waves. Pouring through your chest. Splashing up on the shore. Standing in the way. In the right place. Fishing for compliments. Forehead on forehead. Setting in the west. Looking through the looking glass. Forgetting the names. Sleeping away the pain. Blowing things out of proportion. Blanketing every statement. Locking away the shame. Justifying the unjust. Racing for no reward. Soundtracking every moment. Dusting off the shelves. Buried underneath the rocks. Flying over an ocean of noise. Gazing out into the abyss. Missing the boat. Stroking your ego. Dead upon arrival. Making something out of nothing. Firing off the brightest firecracker. Circling the crossroads. Imagining the first time I imagined. Flocking with the birds. Touching the night sky. Singing the songs of old. Reaching out for another hand. Wishing for some one. Hoping she makes sense. Remembering the colors of the leaves. Wading upstream. Attempting to love. Searching for the depths of the soul. Digging the hole that will hold my bones. Chasing an Indian spirit in a small canoe. Tossing a coin down an endless well. Freeing the chains that bind. Demanding the answers. Asking a million questions. Opening the eye that was once burrowed inside. Thinking about thinking.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Not Quite the Answers You Were Looking For
My room is dark. This is just the way things are for me. I value my time in the sunlight just as much as the next person. When it comes to darkness I believe I might value that more than most. I'm writing down some thoughts for the first time in a good long while. It's dark again in my room. The hour is late. I can't remember the last time I went to sleep before the 1 am hour. My heart is heavy tonight. When isn't my heart heavy. That seems to be the everyday question flowing through my veins. Heavy thoughts flood my mind each day. I have learned to push them aside. I have learned to survive each day with more than I'd like to bare. As humans haven't we learned to deal with the hand we've been dealt. I guess it depends on which side of the card table you're sitting. Some of us born with a winning hand, some of us born with a pair of five's, and some of us humans dealt a folding hand. Most days I realize I have been dealt a pair of five's. In the big picture of this big card game. I'd say a pair of five's isn't so bad. To be honest it isn't the hand I have trouble wrapping my head around. It's the issue of wandering around the big table while watching how the people born with a royal flush treat the people born with a folding hand. At some point in my life I was oblivious to such treatment. I just went a long with it because I thought that's just how the world works. I didn't know much about change. I didn't know people were capable of changing. I didn't know I was capable of changing. Over time I've some how landed right in the middle of these two very different classes. A class that has all the answers, all the power, and all the glory. Right next to the class that is struggling to survive, be heard, and live like a normal human being. I never wanted to choose sides while living on this earth. I'd love to be on everyone's side. Sounds great doesn't it. Every one caring about their brother, sister. Lately though I'm not sure how to bend with one of the sides. I just can't go back to the places I've been. I find myself being so bitter because of the things I've heard and seen from my fellow brothers on this earth. I used to be such a social person. I used to love to get to know people, or so I thought I did. I usually got to know people based on very surface criteria. Stacking up friends in each corner of my house. I thought I was something special, someone special. People knew my name. People liked me. People thought I was a good person. Funny how the thought of who I used to be, well, it just makes me laugh and cringe. I knew nothing. I thought I knew everything. I thought I knew how to love people. How to be a good person. How to Love a woman. How to love my family. How to survive. Now I read letters I wrote from my past, and I see photos from my past and mostly I just want to see them burn. I'd like to think looking back on the past could be a learning experience. That is true in some regards. Mostly I just want it all to burn. Deep down I'm so ashamed of the company I used to keep and demons I left chained up in my closet.
Ever since I was a young child I've been asking questions that no one could answer for me. Oh they would try to answer them. My questions were suppressed by the hand I was dealt. Meaning, I had little chance to get an honest logical human answer to any of my darkest questions. Well the questions never stop leaving my mind, one day they just started flowing out of my mouth. What some people might have seen as a stream soon turned into a waterfall plunging from the highest mountain. With the fear long gone from my bones. I now find myself on the other side of the fence. The side I never new existed. Leaving the stacks of friends left out in a cold fog unable to see where I've strayed. Wondering how I could climb over the forbidden fence and leave the garden of comfort. When some thing like this happens, let's call it change. I've learned that explaining my reasoning or feelings for leaving people behind. Well, that's a difficult thing to do. All I can say is that I now know some things that I didn't know yesterday or the day before. I've been miles behind the curb. I feel I've blown so many chances to live a life. A real life. One that exists on my own terms. I've made decisions that aren't the best for a human living in this society in this point of human history. I know this and I own this, meaning, I know I've wronged others and myself many times. I'm just at a point where I realize these things and it is what it is. Moving forward is the only option at this point. Isn't it. Aren't we always just moving forward, maybe not in the eyes of others, but fuck em. I mean really, who are others to say how some one chooses to live their life. Here we are on this dot in a vast universe, inside of other universes inside of others. Death the only truth we fully know to be true. Who is to tell us all how to live. One hundred years from now these words I'm writing might not even exist, they may never be read and they most certainly may never be understood by anyone. Some people might say, in fact they will say. Well sir, that is no way to live. You shouldn't live that way. It's unhealthy. Well, that's your opinion and yes you have one don't you. I myself have no plans on telling people how they should be living. I don't have any answers for humans. I'm still trying to figure out how to get enough sleep at night, figure out how to eat my next meal, and understand how this whole thing works as it spins on it's axis. I don't spend time with very many people anymore. Why? Well, because I have a handful of people that try to understand me, and that constantly want to explore the under side of the surface edge. The time spent with these folks is quite enough for me. Often we speak about the struggle to understand people in today's society. We labor to gain more knowledge about the world around us. Why things work together and how it effects those of us who are willing to accept the way things are. This life is hard, no doubt. It's also beautiful, and it's also ugly. I have chosen to spend my time with the people that are trying to understand the beauty, the harshness, and the unpredictable nature of living. I have no interest in surrounding myself with people who seem to have all the answers. Who live there lives based on what the status quo tells them. I'd rather drown in a vast ocean than be chained any longer to that never ending wheel of apathy.
Give me the star gazers. Give me the out casts. Give me the free spirits. Give me the so called under achievers. Give me the open minded. Give me the so called liberal. Give me those searching for answers beyond a book. We'll run around with our minds wide open, scraping our knees on all this life around us. Until one day our eyes close and we are buried in the very earth we came from. I'm not the person you thought I was. I'm nothing special. Never was. Just a kid who is still trying to make sense of the hand he's been dealt. Still trying to find sleep before the Sun comes back around to our side of the earth. Still trying to eat enough to wake up and do it all over again. If that disappoints you, then that disappoints you. It doesn't disappoint me. It just makes me another human living in the craziest time humans have ever lived. You haven't figured it all out, neither have I. You won't, and I won't. I hope you make it on your journey, I'm just trying to make it on mine. That's all.
Ever since I was a young child I've been asking questions that no one could answer for me. Oh they would try to answer them. My questions were suppressed by the hand I was dealt. Meaning, I had little chance to get an honest logical human answer to any of my darkest questions. Well the questions never stop leaving my mind, one day they just started flowing out of my mouth. What some people might have seen as a stream soon turned into a waterfall plunging from the highest mountain. With the fear long gone from my bones. I now find myself on the other side of the fence. The side I never new existed. Leaving the stacks of friends left out in a cold fog unable to see where I've strayed. Wondering how I could climb over the forbidden fence and leave the garden of comfort. When some thing like this happens, let's call it change. I've learned that explaining my reasoning or feelings for leaving people behind. Well, that's a difficult thing to do. All I can say is that I now know some things that I didn't know yesterday or the day before. I've been miles behind the curb. I feel I've blown so many chances to live a life. A real life. One that exists on my own terms. I've made decisions that aren't the best for a human living in this society in this point of human history. I know this and I own this, meaning, I know I've wronged others and myself many times. I'm just at a point where I realize these things and it is what it is. Moving forward is the only option at this point. Isn't it. Aren't we always just moving forward, maybe not in the eyes of others, but fuck em. I mean really, who are others to say how some one chooses to live their life. Here we are on this dot in a vast universe, inside of other universes inside of others. Death the only truth we fully know to be true. Who is to tell us all how to live. One hundred years from now these words I'm writing might not even exist, they may never be read and they most certainly may never be understood by anyone. Some people might say, in fact they will say. Well sir, that is no way to live. You shouldn't live that way. It's unhealthy. Well, that's your opinion and yes you have one don't you. I myself have no plans on telling people how they should be living. I don't have any answers for humans. I'm still trying to figure out how to get enough sleep at night, figure out how to eat my next meal, and understand how this whole thing works as it spins on it's axis. I don't spend time with very many people anymore. Why? Well, because I have a handful of people that try to understand me, and that constantly want to explore the under side of the surface edge. The time spent with these folks is quite enough for me. Often we speak about the struggle to understand people in today's society. We labor to gain more knowledge about the world around us. Why things work together and how it effects those of us who are willing to accept the way things are. This life is hard, no doubt. It's also beautiful, and it's also ugly. I have chosen to spend my time with the people that are trying to understand the beauty, the harshness, and the unpredictable nature of living. I have no interest in surrounding myself with people who seem to have all the answers. Who live there lives based on what the status quo tells them. I'd rather drown in a vast ocean than be chained any longer to that never ending wheel of apathy.
Give me the star gazers. Give me the out casts. Give me the free spirits. Give me the so called under achievers. Give me the open minded. Give me the so called liberal. Give me those searching for answers beyond a book. We'll run around with our minds wide open, scraping our knees on all this life around us. Until one day our eyes close and we are buried in the very earth we came from. I'm not the person you thought I was. I'm nothing special. Never was. Just a kid who is still trying to make sense of the hand he's been dealt. Still trying to find sleep before the Sun comes back around to our side of the earth. Still trying to eat enough to wake up and do it all over again. If that disappoints you, then that disappoints you. It doesn't disappoint me. It just makes me another human living in the craziest time humans have ever lived. You haven't figured it all out, neither have I. You won't, and I won't. I hope you make it on your journey, I'm just trying to make it on mine. That's all.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Up From the Darkness the Change Arose
The day was dark. You'd think it would be light. On a day like this. You just expect the sun to touch the mountains you are flying over. The sun however, on this day was not shining. I looked around the plane. I saw a few faces I recognized. Mostly I just saw humans for miles. Faces and names I'll never know by heart. So I close my eyes and slip my headphones back on. What is playing?. Could be anything. The music and melodies are going right through my ears and into the highway locked inside my head. Looking outside again I see the clouds parting ways. My breathing begins to slow as I see what is to come around the next island. Our destination is upon us. It's still dark. The mid day sun should be high and mighty, but it's nowhere to be found. Stepping off a plane into a foreign place will never cease to amaze me. Each time I've set foot onto a new country. I can pinpoint the feeling and the moment. It's one of those things that stays etched in your memory. Maybe it's because of the distinct change you feel in your bones each time your eyes see some thing they've only imagined.
When I travel, I tend to keep to myself. I enjoy the company of others. I do. I also seem to stay locked in my mind when I travel. Upon arriving in a third world country for the first time. A few things come quickly pouring into your mind. You are battling constantly. Battling with how to show emotion. Do you show it right away in the presence of many. Do you just wait and get behind a closed door and begin to hammer away at said closed door with your fist. Do you grin and bare it. Do you close your eyes and hope that the view gets better. These are all questions and thoughts in my mind while driving through the streets of Port Au Prince. The suffering is immense. The distress is immense. The feelings you have in your chest are immense. People tell you of these things in years past. They warn you of what you'll see if you go to these places. They warn you through pictures, letters, and even in well made documentaries. These warnings challenge you to take the journey. Pushing your heart and mind to a place of guilt. As we drove through this ravaged city. I could only feel guilt. Not only a heavy guilt for myself, but also a heavy guilt for mankind. I found myself wishing I didn't have to represent a tribe and throw my own blame around. Wishing only to be a human and nothing more. A human that is largely responsible for the sights just before my eyes.
Haiti is a place of great beauty. People might tell you this your whole life. Maybe you will see this beauty for your self. Maybe you won't. On this day. The one in which I am describing. I had the chance to see this beauty first hand. Piled in the back of a make shift toyota taxi with 10 middle aged men. I looked beyond the destruction and into some thing unexplainable. Face after face after face after face after face. Each one changing in color and in length. These faces were changing at the pace of our speed. Changing my mind ever so slightly as we passed them by. Who am I?. I thought this over and over as we drove through the torrid streets. Who am I to be here now? And what can I do? Why am I doing this? Why am I really here? These are questions that don't leave you on that first drive. I would like to think I would make such a trip with the best of intentions. Intentions of making a difference. Intentions of growing older and wiser as I learn about a different culture. I have not the answers for my decision to make the journey. I've been given more opportunities in this life than the average man. I've thrown away more opportunities than the average man. I'm an american born and raised. What do I really know about life other than what I've been fed my whole life. I don't know how I even arrived in Haiti. My life spinning wildly in and out of space over the last few years. All of the sudden it's a new decade and I'm in Haiti.
I didn't think I was a naive boy walking into his first foreign country when I set foot on that soil. I just new I wasn't ready for the majority of what was to come. Upon visiting the city slums, their isn't much to do other than find a corner to hide. As we walked through the area of haiti in which took the most earthquake damage. It's crippling. There is no safe way to put it. It's just crippling to your soul. Homes and homes stacked atop each other. Destruction on a scale never comprehended. All of the sudden these documentaries are coming to life and coming full circle. Hands outstretched. As the people watch us wealthy americans walk by. They can only look at us with a look that says "could you please take me out of this". Again, who am I?. Just a lucky kid really. Some times I think maybe the kids there in Haiti are the lucky ones. Not being tempted with the things I've been tempted with. Maybe living there amongst those people would have raised me up better. These people with there big smiles and little complaining, only breed more questions in my mind. They make me wonder how happy am I? and What is real happiness?. I couldn't tell you at this point.
Kids playing soccer. Of course. That's what they tell you you'll see when you go. What they don't tell you is this. These kids will ask you to play soccer with them. They will treat you upon first visit as a brother. You will begin to know there names. You will begin to hear their stories. You will begin to fall in Love. Fall in love with big ideas. Ideas of taking them far from harms way. Soon you discover you can't do much. Much in the way of changing the reality they see each day. I found many a corner to hide in upon my first journey through town. Corners I can still see in my mind. Corners I strayed to so I could break down my mind. Let it out. Some people say crying helps your mind and heart. Others say it shows weakness. Weakness is all I knew at the time. I'm still a child inside. I always will be. Seeing these children in this reality and seeing their parents feel guilt for this reality. Well, that's more than I can bare.
You want to scream. You want answers. In fact I'd like to have some fucking answers right now. I wish I could open a book, or open a window in the sky. Some thing that could show me why all of this is happening in and to our world. People seem to have answers for these things I witnessed. I'm here to say, I have no answer for 300,000 people perishing in less than 30 seconds on Jan 10, 2010. I refuse to pawn such a monstrosity off to a higher power. If you wish to do that, well, this is your right to do so. Myself however, no way. I will not hear such things as "these people had it coming" or "this is what you get, when you turn your back on God". These types of comments regarding death in humanity. These comments have no place on this earth. These people in Haiti. They were living their lives that warm January morning. They will tell you stories of the quake. How they were eating in the market with there families. Jumping rope in there cousins backyard. Playing soccer in there front yard. Just living as normal humans try to live each day. When all of the sudden they are forced to witness and experience death on the grandest scale. Death to there friends and death to there families. All in the amount of time it takes some one to complain about having to sit at a red light too long. These people had to fight through this horrific event in nature. Only to have people on the outside try to put a label as to why this has happened to them.
The quake happened and it will happen again. Some where else, to another people group. It will, and there is nothing we can do to stop it. What we can do is this. Change our minds and our hearts. We could try and find reasons for chaos, or we could fight the chaos with understanding. Let me tell you, I don't understand much of anything in this life. I have little answers for anyone. I'm not a special child and I'm frequently disappointed in myself and the path I've chosen to take. I do however have some new goals. Dreams if you will. I haven't shared much with anyone in a long time in the way of blogging. I decided to go away for awhile. In more ways than one. I'm finding it hard to come back now and project on to a screen what I'm feeling inside. Especially when it comes to my thoughts on Haiti. I'd rather no one even listen to another word I say. Mainly because I've been a fool the majority of my life. Here I am again on this rambling page. Trying to convey new hopes and dreams while still failing to do so in a respectable manner. What I've got left is this.
Haiti changed me. How does it not. Of course it did you might say. What you can't hear me say is this. I have been given a chance to go to Haiti for the rest of my life. Either I take that chance and do some thing special with it. Or I take what I've learned from those people and those faces, and I run far away. At this point I will choose to remember the names and faces that won't seem to leave my mind. I will do my best to make sure they aren't forgotten or left to a label. I won't do this by myself, it'll be with you all. Because why do it alone. Not with all of you right here with me, feeling just the same about this life. Not many things in this life make sense. Not to you, not to me. Haiti makes sense though. Going back there until my hair is gone, well, that just makes sense. That doesn't make me special or courageous, in fact it doesn't mean shit in reguards to my personality or heart. It just means I'm a human who is trying to love another human. Why Love?. Well, Why not?. If you need to search for meaning in this life, just look at your fellow humans around you. Look into those same eyes, the ones you share. Then tell me there isn't meaning. Those kids we saw, those kids we got to know, those kids we tried to help, those kids we fell in love with. They are capable of shaking up your life. They will change your life. Not in the destruction around them will they change you, but in the love they bring you. If there is anything that I do know, it is that. So we go back and we go back, and others will wonder why and we, we, we will go back.
When I travel, I tend to keep to myself. I enjoy the company of others. I do. I also seem to stay locked in my mind when I travel. Upon arriving in a third world country for the first time. A few things come quickly pouring into your mind. You are battling constantly. Battling with how to show emotion. Do you show it right away in the presence of many. Do you just wait and get behind a closed door and begin to hammer away at said closed door with your fist. Do you grin and bare it. Do you close your eyes and hope that the view gets better. These are all questions and thoughts in my mind while driving through the streets of Port Au Prince. The suffering is immense. The distress is immense. The feelings you have in your chest are immense. People tell you of these things in years past. They warn you of what you'll see if you go to these places. They warn you through pictures, letters, and even in well made documentaries. These warnings challenge you to take the journey. Pushing your heart and mind to a place of guilt. As we drove through this ravaged city. I could only feel guilt. Not only a heavy guilt for myself, but also a heavy guilt for mankind. I found myself wishing I didn't have to represent a tribe and throw my own blame around. Wishing only to be a human and nothing more. A human that is largely responsible for the sights just before my eyes.
Haiti is a place of great beauty. People might tell you this your whole life. Maybe you will see this beauty for your self. Maybe you won't. On this day. The one in which I am describing. I had the chance to see this beauty first hand. Piled in the back of a make shift toyota taxi with 10 middle aged men. I looked beyond the destruction and into some thing unexplainable. Face after face after face after face after face. Each one changing in color and in length. These faces were changing at the pace of our speed. Changing my mind ever so slightly as we passed them by. Who am I?. I thought this over and over as we drove through the torrid streets. Who am I to be here now? And what can I do? Why am I doing this? Why am I really here? These are questions that don't leave you on that first drive. I would like to think I would make such a trip with the best of intentions. Intentions of making a difference. Intentions of growing older and wiser as I learn about a different culture. I have not the answers for my decision to make the journey. I've been given more opportunities in this life than the average man. I've thrown away more opportunities than the average man. I'm an american born and raised. What do I really know about life other than what I've been fed my whole life. I don't know how I even arrived in Haiti. My life spinning wildly in and out of space over the last few years. All of the sudden it's a new decade and I'm in Haiti.
I didn't think I was a naive boy walking into his first foreign country when I set foot on that soil. I just new I wasn't ready for the majority of what was to come. Upon visiting the city slums, their isn't much to do other than find a corner to hide. As we walked through the area of haiti in which took the most earthquake damage. It's crippling. There is no safe way to put it. It's just crippling to your soul. Homes and homes stacked atop each other. Destruction on a scale never comprehended. All of the sudden these documentaries are coming to life and coming full circle. Hands outstretched. As the people watch us wealthy americans walk by. They can only look at us with a look that says "could you please take me out of this". Again, who am I?. Just a lucky kid really. Some times I think maybe the kids there in Haiti are the lucky ones. Not being tempted with the things I've been tempted with. Maybe living there amongst those people would have raised me up better. These people with there big smiles and little complaining, only breed more questions in my mind. They make me wonder how happy am I? and What is real happiness?. I couldn't tell you at this point.
Kids playing soccer. Of course. That's what they tell you you'll see when you go. What they don't tell you is this. These kids will ask you to play soccer with them. They will treat you upon first visit as a brother. You will begin to know there names. You will begin to hear their stories. You will begin to fall in Love. Fall in love with big ideas. Ideas of taking them far from harms way. Soon you discover you can't do much. Much in the way of changing the reality they see each day. I found many a corner to hide in upon my first journey through town. Corners I can still see in my mind. Corners I strayed to so I could break down my mind. Let it out. Some people say crying helps your mind and heart. Others say it shows weakness. Weakness is all I knew at the time. I'm still a child inside. I always will be. Seeing these children in this reality and seeing their parents feel guilt for this reality. Well, that's more than I can bare.
You want to scream. You want answers. In fact I'd like to have some fucking answers right now. I wish I could open a book, or open a window in the sky. Some thing that could show me why all of this is happening in and to our world. People seem to have answers for these things I witnessed. I'm here to say, I have no answer for 300,000 people perishing in less than 30 seconds on Jan 10, 2010. I refuse to pawn such a monstrosity off to a higher power. If you wish to do that, well, this is your right to do so. Myself however, no way. I will not hear such things as "these people had it coming" or "this is what you get, when you turn your back on God". These types of comments regarding death in humanity. These comments have no place on this earth. These people in Haiti. They were living their lives that warm January morning. They will tell you stories of the quake. How they were eating in the market with there families. Jumping rope in there cousins backyard. Playing soccer in there front yard. Just living as normal humans try to live each day. When all of the sudden they are forced to witness and experience death on the grandest scale. Death to there friends and death to there families. All in the amount of time it takes some one to complain about having to sit at a red light too long. These people had to fight through this horrific event in nature. Only to have people on the outside try to put a label as to why this has happened to them.
The quake happened and it will happen again. Some where else, to another people group. It will, and there is nothing we can do to stop it. What we can do is this. Change our minds and our hearts. We could try and find reasons for chaos, or we could fight the chaos with understanding. Let me tell you, I don't understand much of anything in this life. I have little answers for anyone. I'm not a special child and I'm frequently disappointed in myself and the path I've chosen to take. I do however have some new goals. Dreams if you will. I haven't shared much with anyone in a long time in the way of blogging. I decided to go away for awhile. In more ways than one. I'm finding it hard to come back now and project on to a screen what I'm feeling inside. Especially when it comes to my thoughts on Haiti. I'd rather no one even listen to another word I say. Mainly because I've been a fool the majority of my life. Here I am again on this rambling page. Trying to convey new hopes and dreams while still failing to do so in a respectable manner. What I've got left is this.
Haiti changed me. How does it not. Of course it did you might say. What you can't hear me say is this. I have been given a chance to go to Haiti for the rest of my life. Either I take that chance and do some thing special with it. Or I take what I've learned from those people and those faces, and I run far away. At this point I will choose to remember the names and faces that won't seem to leave my mind. I will do my best to make sure they aren't forgotten or left to a label. I won't do this by myself, it'll be with you all. Because why do it alone. Not with all of you right here with me, feeling just the same about this life. Not many things in this life make sense. Not to you, not to me. Haiti makes sense though. Going back there until my hair is gone, well, that just makes sense. That doesn't make me special or courageous, in fact it doesn't mean shit in reguards to my personality or heart. It just means I'm a human who is trying to love another human. Why Love?. Well, Why not?. If you need to search for meaning in this life, just look at your fellow humans around you. Look into those same eyes, the ones you share. Then tell me there isn't meaning. Those kids we saw, those kids we got to know, those kids we tried to help, those kids we fell in love with. They are capable of shaking up your life. They will change your life. Not in the destruction around them will they change you, but in the love they bring you. If there is anything that I do know, it is that. So we go back and we go back, and others will wonder why and we, we, we will go back.
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